10 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE A MIDDLE-AGED WHITE MAN

Tech writer Gene Marks (@genemarks) stepped outside of his box when he wrote an article entitled "If I were a poor Black kid". In it, he admitted to being a middle-aged White man, then proceeded to list all the reasons why he would be a better poor Black kid than actual poor Black kids.

"It takes brains. It takes hard work. It takes a little luck. And a little help from others. It takes the ability and the know-how to use the resources that are available. Like technology."

Obviously disregarding the words "it takes luck", "help from others", and "the ability and the know-how to use the resources that are available", Marks goes on with his list. What he didn't say is what he's going to do now that he has recognized the issue with poor Black kids.

In the spirit of trying to relate to something that I've gotten most of my information about by watching television, but in reality know little about, here are 10 things I would do if I were a middle aged-White man.

1. Not shake twice after using the bathroom, and not wash my hands.
Come on man, middle-aged White men are nasty, and far too busy for the follow-up jiggle. I would totally not jiggle.

2. Pose as a lesbian on the internet.
For some reason, middle-aged White men like to start blogs and pose as lesbians on their websites. Two middle-aged White men were caught posing as lesbian bloggers just this year. One even faked his (her) abduction.

3. Raise the roof at social gatherings.
There's one thing middle-aged White men like to do at social gatherings where alcohol is being served other than get drunk, kiss and hug other men, talk loudly, play air guitar and let the dogs out...and that's raise the roof.

4. Become a priest.
I would become a priest because middle-aged White men tend to become priests. Not because of little boys.

5. Become a football or basketball coach for a school.
I would become a football or basketball coach because middle-aged White men are good football and basketball coaches. Not because of little boys.

6. Date a Black chick on the side.
There's one thing middle-aged White men like as much as Asian chicks, and that's Black chicks. True story.

7. Listen to rap music.
You gotta know how to talk to the Black chick you're dating on the side, right? Right.

8. Go on an expedition in search for something that isn't there.
Middle-aged White men love spending money looking for Bigfoot

9. Go mountain climbing, then get stranded, then get rescued.
You know how every winter a middle-aged White man takes his wife mountain-climbing with the intent to kill her and make it look it like an accident? But they get stranded by an avalanche or snowstorm, and the adversity brings them closer, causing him to admit to having a Black chick on the side? Yeah, I'd do that.

10. Commit suicide.
After a life of mountain-climbing, dating Black chicks on the side, raising the roof, becoming a priest and a coach, as a middle-aged White man, the only thing left to do is kill myself. Since middle-aged White men are at the top of the suicide pile, this one's a gimme.

There you have it. That would be my life. Fortunately, I'm a 30-something Black man and not a middle-aged White man. Hopefully Mean Gene will stay in his lane next time, and hopefully he doesn't commit suicide soon. Because um...his clock is ticking.


About the Writer

Ed "Mr. Chap" Chapman is the warden of the Insane Asylum Blog and contributor to www.dangerouslee.biz.