WOMAN SHOOTS AT 11-YEAR-OLD SEVEN TIMES...OVER CHICKENS

There's this here article in my local newspaper which cropped up the other day about a woman who opened fire on an 11-year-old girl who had carelessly left some sidewalk chalk close to her home.

Apparently, chickens don't like sidewalk chalk. I'm not certain if it really hurts them, or causes them some sort of emotional disturbance, but let's put that question aside for a moment.

I'm wondering why it is that someone this obviously insane is still walking the streets?

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“HE WAS THE ONLY GUY WHO WAS EVER NICE TO ME…”

…and apparently dead. And still receiving Social Security checks.

That was the response a Detroit woman gave to police when asked why it was that she kept the mummified body of her deceased roommate around for as much as 18 months:

"It's not that I'm heartless. It's just that after so many bad things happen to you, I don't know," Chase told Michigan Live while wiping away tears. "I didn't want to be alone. He was the only guy who was ever nice to me."

There’s something seriously wrong with people in Detroit: not only will they keep a dead body for (allegedly) 18 months just for the money, but the local newspapers are also littered with spelling and grammatical errors. If you don’t believe me, just watch Hardcore Pawn for a week, and you’ll see: Detroit is full of crazy dumbasses, and bad public schools, it would seem.

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Is a Yeast Infection REALLY An STD?

I must admit that I have never pondered this question before. Not even for as much as five seconds in the entire course of my life have I contemplated this question.Seriously, I do not recall an occasion where as much as the thought ever entered my head, but now that the subject has been broached -- I'll explain it all in a minute -- I find myself curiously drawn to trying to answer this age-old conundrum which has apparently vexed Mankind since the days when our earliest ancestors fell out of trees.

This would appear to be such an insignificant question, when it doesn't appear to be the most ridiculous question you've ever heard in all of your life.

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WOMAN KILLED IN FREAK CLOTHING DROP BOX ACCIDENT

I could post about 500 funny anecdotes about this shameful and unfortunate incident, but I shan’t, if only because the person in question is one of those people we charitably call "eccentric". What she probably really was is N-U-T-S and she’s most likely dead because the Mental Health System in this country is a fucking disgrace. It’s a disgrace because it’s somehow more important to ensure that people who won’t use it get free birth control from the Catholic Church.

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From The "They Deserve Each Other Files".

 Finally! Justice for a beaten stripper.

I'm so happy I could drop a log, because it happens all too infrequently, you know.

In what is being called an "Assault By Rolex", prosecutors in New York City are asking that a one-year sentence be given to a wealthy Long Island man who apparently roughed up his Russian concubine and left a wound requiring 16 stitches to close in her head.

It seems as if a wealthy Thomas Hartmann (below) just couldn't take Natasha Badanoff's shit any longer, and tossed her a beating on a city sidewalk.

It's interesting to note how Hartmann came into his millions; he won a court case in which he sued Long Island Cops who accidentally ran him over, severing his leg, while in the process of arresting him on charges that he beat the snot out of his wife.

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Crazy Lady Sues New York for $900 Trillion...

Yep, you've read that right: that's 900 trillion dollars.

That's 60 times the current National Debt.

That's 64.28571 times the annual Gross National Product of the entire United States.

That's almost 15,000 times the entire budget for the City of New York.

If you lined up 900 trillion dollars bills, end-to-end, it would stretch...well, pretty damned far, I reckon!

That is the sum a Staten Island woman is suing the City of New York for, in a lawsuit over her children.

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MIXED NUTS: A POTPOURRI OF THINGS WEIRD AND INSANE

{editor's note: 'Mixed Nuts' is a hodgepodge of weird and crazy news that the Insane Asylum will be bringing you from time to time, so sit back and enjoy this smorgasbord of zaniness}










East Naples, Fla.: 68 year-old Karl Ludwig Eichner really loves himself some watermelon, I assume, because he was arrested after he reportedly harassed a woman with a pool noodle and punched her in the face after she threw his watermelon into the ocean. The incident took place at Lowdermilk Park where Eichner had carved a watermelon into the shape of a head and left it sitting in the sand. The woman saw it and noticed it was attracting insects, so thinking it had been abandoned and would eventually disintegrate, she threw it away. Eichner retrieved it and she disposed of it again. Eichner approached the woman with his swimming noodle full of water, dumped it on her and punched her in the cheek.



Collier County, Fla.: 49-year-old Dawn Elizabeth Rhash has been accused of attacking her roommate with butter. The victim told police that he and Rhash were arguing over what food was his and what was hers when Rhash became upset and hurled butter at him striking him on the leg. Officers say they did notice butter on the victims ankle and they noticed a strong odor of alcohol coming from Rhash's "person and facial area". Rhash confessed to drinking vodka but denies throwing the butter at her roommate.

*A week later police were called out again because she had thrown Crisco. The responding officer replied, "I can't believe it's not butter." NAH...I joke... :)



Bronx, NY: Freddy Caldwell was arrested and charged with "falsely reporting an incident and aggravated harassment" after he made two separate phone calls to WPIX-11 threatening to bomb the station if they continued to play reruns of the show Two and a Half Men. Silly Caldwell made the calls from his home phone so they were easily traced back to him.




Conceptual artist Cherry Tree, who splits her time between Missouri and Spain, has spent the last five years making perfume... From her own urine. Tree, whose birth name is Charity Blansit, says she is very much into recycling and decided to recycle her own urine since that is something that gets eliminated. Tree was inspired back in 2006 on the morning after a full moon, when she decided to collect her urine in a perfume bottle. Tree also took pointers from her brother who owns a distillery and started fermenting the urine. She's not ready to market her perfume, but notes that each batch does smell different depending on what she eats.


Collier County, Fla. (again): 46-year-old Mary Ramos was arrested and brought in for questioning after her boyfriend told police she attacked him with a knife during an argument. Ramos accuses her boyfriend of meeting up with a "naked woman" for sex in the public bathroom of the apartment complex they live in. Apparently, the "naked woman" lives in the apartment complex also. Ramos' boyfriend told police that Ramos had been awake and drinking alcohol all night. The two got into an argument and Ramos punched him twice in the mouth, after which she grabbed a 10-inch knife and stabbed him twice leaving a 12-inch long gash in his chest and a 6-inch cut on his stomach. Ramos fled the scene, but police were able to track her down.

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"HE NEVER BOUGHT ME NOTHING!"

Apart from the gentle reminder to never use a double negative when talking to the Press -- nothing says "Classy Lady" like the use of Proper English, after all -- let this tale be a cautionary one for Men Everywhere.

First, it was PMS as a legitimate defense for Murder; now you can get a Teflon Haircut for forgetting the Hallmark and Russell Stover's on Mother's Day.

A Staten Island, NY mother (my backyard) beats her Baby Daddy over the head with a cooking pot for forgetting to buy her a Mother's Day Gift.

It's not that difficult, really. You need only ever remember five dates, Gentlemen; Her Birthday, Your Anniversary, Your Wedding Day, Valentine's Day, and when Children are involved, Mother's Day. If this is something beyond your capacity to easily recall, then I would suggest that you put that calendar function on your cell phone, PDA, Facebook page, whatever, to better use. The consequences for failure can be devastating. In this case, the consequences included a large bump, a four-inch gash in the forehead, and the painful memories of both your injuries, and of having to bail you Baby Mama out of jail because you forgot to take her to Golden Corral or Red Lobster on Her Big Day. I'm certain your child will grow to remember this incident with great fondness when you're all sitting around the dinner table one day, reliving family history.

As to the lady's assertion that "He Never Bought Me Nothing!", well, what did you expect? I will assume that since it appears as if no one here is actually married (don't give me that 'Civil Union' or 'Common Law Wife' routine) you have probably given him everything over the last seven years, and maybe never demanded a thing in return. Probably not even a modicum of respect. Although I freely admit that some Men can be clueless beasts, I must also be brutally honest: had this woman demanded even the slightest amount of respect from this jerk in the previous seven years, she wouldn't have to be standing over him, babe in arms, braining him with a saucepan.

We reap what we sow. Men, in case no one ever told you Ladies, are creatures of habit, and if you make it a habit to let them crap all over you, they will certainly never disappoint you. Nothing says "Sexy" like a confident woman who demands some respect. Nothing keeps a Man in line like a Woman who values herself and lets him know it.

As for the...ahem...victim...in this case; you should now know, if you didn't before, You Clod, that a woman is not just a convenient place for you to park a boner for a spell when the need arises. It is not 'her job' to do your cooking, cleaning, darn your socks, scrub someone else's lipstick out of your shorts, and bear your offspring while you go through life Fat, Dumb and Happy. I may be presuming too much, but I get the distinct impression that this isn't the first Mother's Day this idiot has forgotten, and if you drilled deeper into the bedrock of this happy relationship, you'd probably find that the man in the Stainless Steel Sombrero has at least one more card and another dozen roses to buy for someone else.

It's probably just the first Mother's Day in which someone decided to remind him -- in a way he'll never forget, I reckon --of his responsibilities in this regard.

A little bit of consideration and perhaps even the smallest display of affection would have saved him from the possibility of permanent brain injury and kept his dirty laundry from getting a good, public, airing out.

We Men can now probably look forward to a slew of copy-cat attacks, as inconsiderate bastards all over America continue to forget birthdays and anniversaries, and all other special occasions. Thanks a lot, As*hole! Someone will soon have to deal with an irate, homicidal maniac brandishing a Crock Pot or a George Foreman Grill because he forgot to properly commemorate the Thursday -- eleven years ago -- when he complimented his Good Lady Wife on her choice of shoes.

Gentlemen, I realize that these sappy, sentimental occasions don't often mean much to us-- after all, give us a game, a sandwich and a six pack, and Life is Complete -- but they often mean the World to your Lady. For the sake of Peace, and Your Continued Breathing, do yourself a favor: get a calendar, and learn how to use it, before your Missus graduates from the Dutch Oven to a Ginsu Knife. I'm told that stings more.

You'll be glad you did, and you'll be saving Men Everywhere by denying your beloved the opportunity to open the floodgates on Domestic Violence Against Thoughtless Doofuses, and thus encourage others to follow her example.

The only person you should feel sorry for this morning is that 8-month old child,who is apparently living with a disconnected father, and a mother ready to resort to hand-to-hand combat with a wok because she might be denied the All-You-Can-Eat-Seafood Feast at Long John Silver's.

To all the Mothers out there who visit the Insane Asylum day-in and day-out, we wish you a Belated Happy Mother's Day...now please drop the frying pan.

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WOMAN THREATENS TO SHOOT YOUNG LADY ON BUS

If only this beef began on Facebook, this story would be more interesting.  Picture this: You're an older woman on the bus.  There's a 22-year old on the phone and she just happens to be young, Black, and loud.  You're fed up from the moment she starts yapping in the receiver, to the point of wanting to shove the phone down her throat when...she bumps into you.  What would you do?  Well, Cordelia Chisholm got into a shouting match with her 22-year old antagonist and eventually pulled out her .38 pistol.  Even with a gun pointed at her stomach, 22 kept on as if she wasn't about to get shot.

Luckily for 22, one of the passengers stepped in and diffused the situation.  Check out the video to the story:





That guy is something stepping in like that.  Personally, I'm not getting involved in anyone's altercation where a gun is involved.  I noticed he grabbed the hand that was holding the gun and she didn't do anything.  I was always taught that if you're crazy enough to pull your gun out, then you have to be crazy enough to use it.  If you grab my hand that's holding the gun, and I don't know you, I'm gonna shoot your fucking face off.    I may accidentally shoot you...in your face.  Anyway, thank goodness for the surveillance provided by Big Brother the bus company so we could see the footage.

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