KENTUCKY: MAN SUES DOCTOR FOR AMPUTATING HIS PENIS

I can think of no more frightening words for a man than these:

"You have cancer...in your penis..."

Let's face it: there isn't a man alive who would not, if given the choice, rather stare down 1,000 vicious Taliban fighters armed with nothing more than a wet noodle (oh no you didn't!) and a smile, than to hear that his beloved Johnson had become nothing but a deadly tumor hanging between his thighs.

Which brings us to the next question: if a doctor told you that in order to save your life he had to amputate  your Willy, do you think you could live with the result?

Apparently, the answer for one man was a resounding "Hell NO!". Because he's suing the doctor who probably saved his life by removing his Babymaker before it killed him.

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WOMAN SQUEEZES TESTICLE FROM MAN'S SCROTUM

#insane 35-year-old Joyce Gregory of North Carolina has done what Lorena Bobbit managed to do in 1993: make one of my most horrible nightmares a reality.

According to Ms. Gregory's unnamed ex-boyfriend, she suddenly began throwing things around in his bedroom, then the rest of his home, around midnight on Saturday morning.

When he got up and tried to go onto his porch to call for help, Gregory jumped on him, grabbed his gents and squeezed - very hard. He was able to finally get free, but not after the damage had been done.  Police found blood all over the victim, on his porch and on the siding of the home. And according to one officer, he saw that the victim's "scrotum had been split open" and that he was able to "observe one of the subject's testicles protruding from the scrotum area".

The man was rushed to the hospital where he was told that he wouldn't suffer any long-term damage. His junk was tucked back in, he received stitches and was released. As far as the drunken Gregory, she took her pants off in the police car and urinated in the back seat before riding off to jail.

She is facing charges of assault w/serious bodily injury and malicious castration, and is being held on only a $20,000 bond.

No word on whether or not the man was her ex before or after the incident.

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WOMAN FACES JAIL TIME FOR BITING OFF BOYFRIEND'S TESTICLES

#insaneasylumblog - Picture this...Sicily, February 2011...Well, maybe it wasn't Sicily, but in the UK things got kinda crazy for one couple. 44-year-old Maria Topp of Wreckenton, Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, (UK) was arrested back in February and pleaded guilty to grievous bodily harm at Newcastle Crown Court after she bit her boyfriends scrotum during a drunken fight at his Newcastle home.

Topp and Martine Douglas, a 45-year-old DJ from Newcastle, dated for five years. The couple had a troubled relationship where they split up and got back together numerous times.

Apparently, the couple had been drinking and a fight ensued. Somehow Topp ended up on her back with Douglas straddling her. Topp says she doesn't remember biting Douglas, but his scrotum had to be repaired using 19 stitches during emergency reconstructive surgery. Mr. Douglas called 999, which is equivalent to our 911, to report the incident but he was in such excruciating pain, that the operators had to struggle to understand what he was saying.

Topp is due to be sentenced on November 11, but she insists there was bad behavior on both sides. according to her lawyer, Topp suffered some injuries, also.

Well, just like most people do who find themselves in effed up situations, Topp took to the one place that she knew she could tell her side of the story and gain allies... Her facebook page. Topp hadn't posted on her page since February, but a few days ago she began updating her status again. Her first status reads:































Notice how she never answers her friends question about "what it says"? And, is she really surprised "it's on Google and in the paper"? I mean, that's what usually happens when you make the evening news.

Topp then went on to post this status 12 minutes later:









Hmmm...I'm sure it did, but since you're suffering from selective amnesia, will you ever remember that reason, Maria?

She ended the day's posts with "my story will come out".

Well since Miss Topp can't seem to remember, I'm gonna tell you how I think the fuckery went down that day:

Martine: Thanks babe for spending time with me.
Maria: Oh honey, you know I just love to be in your presence
Martine: I bought a new wine today. Let's test it out.

(pours wine in glasses)

Maria: Mmm...this tastes delightful
Martine: I'm glad you like it. I thought about you when I bought it.

(Time passes, and they have gone through two bottles of wine. They are feeling a little tipsy and a lot horny)

Martine: Come here, Hun-Bun and let me taste your sweet lips.

(Maria obliges, and a lot of heavy petting and breathing ensues. Martine gets bold)

Martine: Oh Maria darling, I want to try something new.
Maria: What my dear Martine?
Martine: I want to teabag you.
Maria: Teabag? What is that?
Martine: It's where I place my balls into your mouth, you suck them and hum or whatever suits your fancy
Maria: No.
Martine: Please?
Maria: Hell no!

(Martine straddles her face anyway...CHOMP! Time to dial 999)

Well, that's what I think happened. It may go over better if you read it with a British accent though.

Deuces, Smooches
Nena Grace

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